His grace is enough.

I’m sure you have heard this a thousand, maybe even a million. God’s grace — His favor, His long-kindness, His good will — toward us is simply enough. That believing in His grace shown through the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ will carry you through this life and into eternity far from the demand to live perfectly and sin free. His grace is enough. It paid the debt you owe for your wrong choice, decisions, actions. His grace says “it is finished!” And it is. But…

But I keep adding to this good news.

There isn’t really a “but” there, but I keep trying to insert one into every scripture, sermon, and devotional that speaks of God’s grace. And it is evident in the way I live, in how I think, in the words I pray, in the ridiculous demands I place on myself and the people around me. The but I keep inserting is really just me adding to the gospel. It’s just me changing the most amazing news there is and making it nothing more than strife and struggle. I believe the gospel. But…

But I still want to be sin free.

I believe that Jesus died for my sins – past, present, and future — but I still want to be sin free. I strive and struggle with my flesh. Arguing with it, fighting with it, demanding that it bow to my will — my will to be free of my sin. How arrogant of me. How prideful. How fooled am I. My flesh won’t obey God, why would it obey me!?! Jesus came because I can not be sin free. He came to take my place on that cross. And He came to share His reward for actually being sinless with me. That’s grace. And it should be enough. But…

But I still want a perfect life.

I want a life that is without struggle. I desire a life that is without pain. I lust for a life that is comfortable and pleasant and perfect. All of which I could have — I should have! — I’d deserve to have!! — if I could just get my sinful self under control. Again, how arrogant and prideful of me to believe that I am capable of attaining perfection. I can’t be perfect and that is why Jesus came. Not to live a life free of suffering and hurt, not to live a life of comfort and pleasure, but to reveal that God want us in all our imperfect mess. His grace is enough. But…

But my life’s evidence says that grace is not enough.

Because I will not fully rely on God’s grace… Because I will not fully embrace my weakness… Because will not accept the fact that I am a sinner at the core… Because I will not admit that I can not be perfect I live stressed, overwhelmed, and exhausted. I live in fear of not living up to the standard that I have placed on my own shoulder. I struggle with the guilt and shame associated with every sin and imperfection that I am still striving to correct.

I live denying the power of Christ.

I turn my pack on His strength.

I say Your grace is not enough…

…and I will try to do more to be sufficient on my own.

I live without rest. Without joy. Without peace.

I live weary and done.

If only…

If only I could truly believe every word that God has breathed. If only I could learn to abide in Him, to trust that His grace is enough, and rely on His perfect strength in the midst weakness. If only I could stand still and see the salvation of the Lord (Exodus 14:13). If only…

God in Heaven, I confess my doubt in who You are, my doubt in Your Son, and my doubt in Your grace. I confess my arrogance, pride, and confidence in myself. Here I am, weak and sinful and far from perfect. Break me of thinking that I can be sin free and perfect on my own. Please show me how to rest in your power. Help me to take hold of the peace and joy that comes from knowing Your Son. Please take my life, Lord, and use it to showcase Your perfect strength. Use me to put Your sufficient grace on display for all to see. In Your name I pray, amen.

Friends,

I struggle to move beyond an intellectual knowledge of what Jesus has done for me. I might be able recite and explain the gospel, but applying it — living it out, and truly allowing to it penetrate every part of who I am — that’s where I get stuck. And that’s what the words here in this post are all about. Are you stuck too? Please feel free to share your struggles here. Lets not pretend that faith in Christ is perfectly easy — faith may be simple, but not easy. Lets confess our doubts and take them to Jesus. Lets allow His strength to be perfect in our weakness.

Only by grace,

Kelli